


Go Now I and II

by thebasement_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-12-31
Updated: 1999-12-31
Packaged: 2018-11-20 11:42:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11334978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebasement_archivist/pseuds/thebasement_archivist
Summary: Post Abduction. Alex goes to see Fox.





	Go Now I and II

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

 

Go Now 1 (We've Already Said Goodbye) by Tirinar

Author: Tirinar  
Title: Go Now 1 (We've Already Said Goodbye)  
Pairings: M/K  
Rating: R  
Status: Complete  
Series: Go Now #1  
Spoilers: Duane Barry, Ascension  
Summary: Post Abduction. Alex goes to see Fox.

Notes: Biiiiig huggles to Viridian for Beta and ass-kicking, and to Dr Ruthless for the title. Luv you guyz! }:o)

Disclaimer: Chris Carter owns the X-Files, The Moody Blues own the song I filched the title from.

Webpage: http://www.crosswinds.net/~slashville/   
Feedback:   
  


* * *

I awake from my trip off this planet, and return to Earth, brought back from my mindless depression by a soft noise. I have a visitor. They're not welcome tonight, but the gentle knocking at my door is insistent, and it interferes with my misery.

My Alex. I loved him above all others, and I thought he loved me equally, until he betrayed me. He conspired against me to abduct Scully from Skyland Mountain, then he left after killing my prime witness.

He fucking left me.

The knocking continues, refusing to cease and the noise rattles around my head, filling my mind and breaking my concentration. I haul myself off the couch to answer the god-damned door.

I peer through the spy-hole, out into an empty corridor. For a moment I think I have finally lost my mind, then the knocking comes again - soft, insistent.

I open the door.

Alexei!

For a moment my heart swells, as it always did when seeing this man. But he looks different now - his face is marred by tear tracks, his eyes red, and new lines undoubtedly caused by stress have appeared on his beautiful face.

He looks like hell.

I try to close the door, as reality crashes down on me - the nightmare ride to the top of Skyland Mountain, the car stopping meters from the top, and Alex, my Alex at the controls. He was the one who stopped me; had he not interfered Scully may still be with us.

He is too fast. He stands quickly from his place out of sight of the spy-hole, and jams his foot into the doorway before I can fully close it.

"Fox... please."

Reluctantly, I allow him entry. I don't want to see him, but then I could never truly refuse him anything. And I'd rather do this in my apartment, away from my neighbours' prying eyes.

I stand away from him, my arms folded across my chest and cold accusation in my eyes. My protection from his sweet words and gentle touches, from the tears that even now gather in his eyes. He can't look me in the face; instead he stares past my shoulder.

This silence is killing me.

At last, he speaks. "Fox. I'm so sorry."

And when I reply, my voice is devoid of emotion, and life.

"You betrayed me. You gave Scully to *them.*"

His world looks like it's falling in on him, one piece at a time. I can see it all in his eyes - I could never refuse him, but he could never hide from me. So I thought.

"Please, Fox. Let me explain. I had to delay you. Stop you getting up that mountain."

I ignore him. I refused to be taken in by his lying words and his trusting eyes that make me believe them.

He quickly steps closer to me, takes my shoulders in his hands. I always loved what those hands would do to me - they would dance over my skin, leaving fire in their wake, or draw the day's tension out of my shoulders with that skilled touch.

He tries to draw me close, but I refuse to go to him. Instead, he wraps his arms tightly around me, as close as my folded arms will allow, and he buries his face in my neck. I know he is smelling my skin - he always loved to do that.

I feel his lips, brushing over my neck. For a moment...

For a moment I can forget, and my eyes fall closed. In that moment, I see what could've been our future together, a home and life so happy... so loving it makes me want to cry with joy. And then I hear Scully's voice, screaming for help over the phone, before she was whisked away to God-knows-where.

Almost violently, I twist away from him. I know he is momentarily surprised, his eyes tell me so. I can't weaken, not to this gorgeous green-eyed man who once was mine.

He follows, falling to his knees and placing his hands on my thighs. He leans his head against my hip, as he has done so many times before, in more intimate situations.

I can feel my hand moving, and stop it before I can run my fingers through his soft hair. It was instinctive - a movement familiar from constant repetition, and denying that natural instinct hurts. But I can't now. Not after what he's done to me.

Dammit, why? I never prepared for this heartbreak. I told him I loved him, forever. He told me he loved me, whispered it in my ear. "I love you, Fox," was the last thing I heard at night, whispered as he lay his head on my chest, and the first words I heard in the morning when I awoke.

Every time he moves, he reminds me of a hundred times we made love, so tenderly. It was always making love with him, never just sex. From the beginning, I knew my heart belonged to him and I told him so. Then I would show him. For over an hour I would love him, then, as I held him on the brink of orgasm, I would tell him. As we came together he always looked at me, his green eyes as clear as crystal as his lips shaping my name I smiled down at him.

I want to cry.

I refuse to in front of him, though his tears are streaming down his face, and soaking into my jeans.

His proximity to me is starting to have effects. It always did, even when I left him and ignored him in the beginning. Now, my body calls for him. My Alexei.

That call seems to draw him; his lips brush the material covering my hardness, and his hand instinctively goes to my fly.

"No!"

He flinches away, his wide eyes staring up at me.

"Fox," is all he says.

"Go. Just leave. You can't just *do that* and expect it to make everything better, because it won't."

He stands, defeated and I turn away from him. I know how he moves as he opens the door, then turns back to me.

"I couldn't let them kill you, Fox. I love you. *Please* believe that.*

And he leaves. The door closes quietly, a silent witness to the most devastating scene of my life.  
  


And as the door closes on the man I loved, I sink to the floor in silence and weep. I weep for my shattered dreams of what could have been, what *should have* been, and a piece of my heart I would never regain. For his lost innocence.

I cry for my Alexei. For what once was, and what never would be again.

My tears fall, in a torrent that should wash away my hurt but serve only to enhance it.

We are separate, now. We are alone.

He was my partner.

Lover.

Betrayer.

This pain is unbearable.

*The End*

Please feed me! 

 

* * *

 

Author: Tirinar  
Title: Go Now 2 (I'm Still In Love With You Now)  
Pairings: M/K  
Rating: R  
Status: Complete  
Series: Go Now #2, Sequel to We've Already Said Goodbye  
Spoilers: Duane Barry, Ascension - Very slight.  
Summary: After a Consortium beating, Alex needs a place to stay.

Notes: Takes place after Go Now 1, but before any of the messy bits like Alex stealing the dat tape thing or whatever. I'm lousy with canon, but I'm trying! Many thanks, huggles and smooches to Dr Ruthless for beta. Any remaining errors are my own. ~~*~~ denotes a change of PoV.

Disclaimer: Chris Carter owns the X-Files, The Moody Blues own the song I filched the title from.

Webpage: http://www.crosswinds.net/~slashville/   
Feedback:   
  


* * *

I open the front door, gun in hand and aimed at the knocker's face. Alex, again. He looks like shit - tired, from the look of it bruised, and world-weariness is evident in his face, and the way he stands.

Yet my treacherous heart leaps on seeing him again.

"What the hell do you want?" I ask him. Damn this man who can't seem to leave me alone. He's already broken my heart once, why must he do it again? Why?

He looks like something a cat's dragged in. I quickly quell the wave of emotion I feel on seeing this man - love, lust, anger and rage are all there in fiery intensity.

"I need someplace to stay. Could I come in?"

I don't lower the gun, though I feel like a fool for holding it on him. I can't kill him, and he knows that.

"Find a motel. Just get the hell away from me."

It takes everything I have to harden my voice against him. I know that if he doesn't just leave me alone, let me get on with my life, then it'll all be over in a matter of minutes.

"Fox, please. I'm broke. I just took a beating from those bastards. And I can't face another night alone."

His words pull at my heart, and the taunting voice in my mind dares me to deny him. Reluctantly, I step aside and allow him to enter, ditching my gun back into its holster. He follows me to the living room.

"Fine. You can take the bed. I sleep on the couch."

I can see it in his eyes, the unspoken accusation. 'You never used to.' He's right. I didn't, when we were together. But things have changed, and I've never been able to bring myself to sleep alone in that bed again.

Too many memories.

Too many *good* memories.

He starts towards the door, slowly - like he's in pain, which he probably is, and I feel a sudden surge of rage that someone did this to him - he's *mine!* They have no right!

From the corner of my eye, I see him stop, and turns.

"Fox?" I look up at him from my place on the couch, pulling myself back from a brief jaunt down memory lane.

"What?"

"Could you.. stay, with me?" The need in his voice is evident, and he looks ashamed. Like he knows he has no right to ask me to stay with him.

His eyes remain downcast, and I have to strain to hear his voice.

"I need to hear your heartbeat. It makes me feel safe."

My heart melts at his words. Whoever has turned my Alexei into this beaten, beautiful, defeated man will pay for what he's done. It's amazing how protective I feel over him, even after his betrayal of my trust, and my heart.

Wordlessly, I stand and follow him into my room.

I grab a T-shirt and boxers from a drawer, and go to change in the bathroom, leaving him alone. My petty mind tells me 'He's seen you naked a million times,' but I don't care. It's different now, and sleeping with him \- even like this with no sex just the feel of him against me is bad enough.

I return, and he's sitting on my bed, on his side, same as he ever did. I get into the bed and link my fingers behind my head, lying on my back with my head cradled in my upturned palms. He instantly wraps one arm around me, and lays his head on the left side of my chest.

Emotionally exhausted, and tired from fighting, I fall asleep.

~~*~~

I awaken to the once familiar feeling of being held. I look up, and into the face of my beloved, Fox Mulder. His arms are around me now - like we always used to hold each other, back when we were lovers.

Bright pain and fierce joy overwhelm me for a moment. He looks so peaceful, and I take a few minutes to burn his image into my mind. I don't know if I'll ever see him again like this.

My hand rests on his warm flesh, underneath his T-shirt and I stroke him softly, his skin like velvet beneath my fingers.

On an impulse, I shift slightly to bring my lips to his, clinging softly and releasing him. I kiss him again, harder this time, and as he begins to wake, and respond, I become afraid. I pull back.

"Alex."

Tears spring to my eyes, even as I smile with happiness at hearing my name on his lips again, that soft, soft whisper. It's been so long, and I've missed him so *much* I thought I'd die of loving him from afar.

I can tell the moment he recalls everything, and as he begins to speak I cover his lips with a finger.

"Fox. I love you."

My eyes beg him not to say anything, to let me keep this moment perfect in my memory - untarnished by words of regret or sorrow. Remembering moments like this can keep me going for days at a time.

I think he understands, though he stands and heads for the bathroom. Minutes later I can hear the shower running, and I roll over onto his side to steal his pillow.

I breathe in his scent, and drift off.

~~*~~

Stupid, stupid, stupid!! What the fuck is wrong with me?

Do I have a need to punish myself for ever loving him? Is that why I can't just cut him off and move on with my life? Even as I silently rant at myself, I know why I can't.

I still love him, as much as I ever did. And I want him. Oh, how I *need* him.

My thoughts drift back to this morning. It was like so many other of our mornings together. Sometimes we'd get up, after our usual bout of morning sex, and go running together. Sometimes he'd drag me back into bed for another hour, until we *had* to get up to avoid Skinner's 'You're Late And I Know Why' glare.

My morning erection is back in full force, and I gasp as I take hold of it. I try to ban all thoughts of him from my mind as I work myself - I have to move on.

Try as I may, it is his name that screams through my mind as I bite my lip and spend myself against the shower wall.

Another bout of mental torture for Fox Mulder.

~~*~~

I hear a noise and wake instantly, ready to defend myself from harm. This is Fox's apartment I'm in, anyway. It's dangerous for me to be here, though last night was the first time I've felt safe since.. since..

Since the last time he held me like that.

It is Fox, returning from the shower wet and dripping, towel wrapped round his waist.

God, I *want* him.

He moves over to his chest of drawers, his back to me as he grabs socks and boxers.

I can't help myself. God, but he's too tempting and it's been so long.

He stiffens slightly as I wrap my arms around his waist, and brush my lips over his shoulderblade, along his shoulder and over his neck. I close my eyes, breathe in his scent and pretend not to notice the way his hands are gripping the chest so tight his knuckles are turning white. I *need* him too much.

I run my hands up over his chest, my fingers brushing lightly over a nipple, to his shoulders, and rest my head in the crook of his neck, pressing myself against him. I know he can feel my half erection pressing between his buttocks.

Do you know what it's like to love someone you can't have? Always wanting, always needing, always loving and never *having*. I have loved him like this for so long I sometimes forget what we once had together, what it was like to touch and be touched like that.

Perhaps that explains the tear that escapes him. He takes a deep breath to calm himself, then says the words I dread.

"Alex. No."

~~*~~

Those words were the hardest ones I have ever had to say in my life. To tell him to stop, that I couldn't do this when what I really want is to be with him again. I've got better, since our initial separation. At one point, not a minute went by without me regretting losing him, without thoughts of being with him entering my head. And worry.

Such fear, that whereever he was, he was dead or worse. Or that he had forgotten me.

I turn, and walk past him to the bed, keeping my back to him as I pull on a pair of boxers and wait for his inevitable question.

When it comes, his voice is full of defeat and regret, and wistful longing, and I know with a dead certainty he doesn't expect me to take him back.

"Fox, why? I love you. We love each other. It was so good between us, Fox - you know that."

I turn, quickly, and my voice grows fierce as I tell him.

"Because every time I see you, I want to hold you and never let you go. You fill a part of my soul, Alex, that I didn't know was there until you kissed me that first time.

When I woke up this morning, I wanted to hold you closer to me. I wanted to kiss you and make love to you, until I couldn't remember my name. I wanted to close the door on the outside world and lose myself in you.

I wanted..."

But then I saw Scully's face, heard her voice, and I remembered everything. I can't see you and not. And it shatters my heart every time.

I can't live like that, Alex. I can't."

His eyes have closed, halfway through my speech as my voice threatens to crack on every word. But my Alexei doesn't cry, even as I tear away any last shred of hope for a reconciliation he might've had. He holds back his tears, and starts to pull on his clothes with a speed born of desperation to be away.

"I know, Fox. I couldn't.. leave, without trying one last time. I have to leave the country, Fox. Today."

He moves quickly to throw his arms around me, his lips brush over my cheek and he whispers in my ear.

"I love you, Fox. I'm so, so sorry."

Pasionate, Definite. He opens the bedroom door, and with one last glance back at me he lowers his eyes.

"You'll never see me again."

The closing of the front door finally ends my relationship with Alexei Krycek. There is no going back, now or ever, and the certainty of a life without him hits me full-force.

And I slump to the floor, with my back to the bedroom door as silent tears spill over and run down my face.

Brokenly, I whisper to the four walls what I had wanted to tell him all along.

"I wanted to tell you. I still love you."

*The End*

Feed Me, Please! 

  


End file.
